Monday, December 27, 2010

My David!

My Best friend David is literally my world I don't know what I would do without him!
 David and I have had so many adventures together and have so many to come. I can't wait for everything I will experience with him!
 David has showed me the courage and the love to do things in life without judgement. I think thats why I admire him so much and look to him for a second opinion. 
:D

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My BLOG.

1.If your going to read my blog don't bother to confront me about what I write.
2. If you want to confront me about them or have questions, Write me about it.
3.I don't usually care for your opinion unless I ask, so don't state them.

There are three and only three, it shouldn't be hard to catch on.
The reason I have a blog is because my sister was reading my journal, I figured if I can post things I write and I don't have to worry about if she is reading them, then I can't get mad at her because I put them out there in the world for everyone to see. So it's me beating her to the chase, also it was on my bucket list. Ü

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

12-19-10

Long Lasting Love.
It sounds so perfect. Making me think of my current relationship. I've been dating Ricky for a year only to realize I do love him, I really want to spend eternity with him and I don't think my parents or family are ready to except that.
12-19-09*12-19-10 
Sunday night was our one year. Ricky bought me a stunning diamond ring, a "Promise Ring." I clearly knew it was coming and had known for sometime, watching him try to make it so perfect was so cute, because it wasn't even close (If you were someone besides me) but to me it was perfect, not like the movies but it was him in so many ways. Nervous, frantic, adorable, and loving. He was smiling and shaking, trying to gather himself and all I could do was smile because I knew exactly what was coming and the words he was trying to say. He opened the box and the sparkle caught my eye in the dark night, I couldn't even see the ring but I could see his face and all I had to do was smile and pull him in to kiss him. I knew exactly what was going through his mind and now I know, it's forever. It's weird to think that I know who I'm going to spend eternity with and that I'm done looking, I have him with me, and thats it. Strangely enough I can't wait for it!
<3

Out with the Old.

I have been thinking lately about the diamond heart necklace my ex gave me and I couldn't decide what I should do with it? I have a couple options on my plate.
A. Give it back to him.
B. Sell it.
C. *Give it to his mom.
D. Keep it?
E. Throw it in the ocean?
I'm leaning towards giving it to his mother, her and I have always been extremely close and I think that it would be meaningful. Giving her his love, because I think it would kill him if I give it back to him, and I can't bring myself to sell it. It's hard to give up the past when it's so dear to your heart, but I'm learning to make sacrifices  and this needs to be done for myself. I know it will be good :)

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Bucket List.

[X]  Get rid of my old diamond necklace.
Have an A-line haircut at some point.
Road trip to Seattle with Best friend during Spring break.
Be an ODS counselor.
Graduate with a 3.3 or higher.
Find a best friend that wont ditch me.
Lose weight.
Write a blog and keep up on it.
Get a tattoo by Kat Von D.
Get My Ears pierced Everywhere!
Travel with Shayla Rose.
 Go sky diving.
Speak Spanish fluently.
Go to college and graduate.
Become a teacher.
Go to message school.
Own a art gallery.
Own a pastry shop.
Go to Brasil,Venezuela, Greece, and Australia. 
Get Married.
Write a book.
Have kids.
Be a good mommy :) 
Own my own house.
decorate each room.
To be continued.





Saturday, December 18, 2010

Eyes

Do you know what the relationship is between your two eyes? 


They blink together, they move together, 
they cry together, they see things together, 

and they sleep together,

but they never see each other.

Friday, December 17, 2010

As thin as air.

He tried to grab on to her,
but it was like holding only air.
 Because the more you
 change the less 
of you was there.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Trust

I have an issue.
to trust,
and 
to be trusted.
I find every reason 
and 
do everything
to take away
my trust.
The trust people
have in me
&
 I have in them.
I have no
trust in anything
or anyone.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Im a Senior

Class of 2011!
Today it hit me. I am a Senior!  At this time next year so many things will be different. I will be 19 going on 20, a graduate from high school and in college majoring in who knows what. My life could either be a complete mess or organized as can be like my room.I was sitting in my speech and communications class today listening to some song that made me think, there are so many things in high school that I actually do love. Like Spirit week, in college there will be no more Spirit,Homecoming or Doernbecher week. I was thinking about school and the things we go through. In reality we make enemies in school rather than friends, say we hate school when we should be grateful for each one of our amazing teachers we have learned from, we fall in and out of love several times trough out our teenage years, and lastly walk the halls like we are cool, treating people like crap when we should be showing them kindness. I thought hey why not enjoy my last six months of school and recognize that I do love high school and I can't imagine not walking these halls as a student for the rest of my life. I am going to cherish all my high school memories and friends until I am finished with my high school career

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

////Fragile and Frail////

11-15-10

                 I remember sitting in my room; mascara and eyeliner streaming down my cheeks. My eyes were swollen like a bee had stung them and I could hardly catch my breath. My mother questioned everything about me. “I don’t trust you.” She claimed that answer swung in the midst of the air stinging me the most. I walked from shelf to shelf aimlessly cleaning, my make-up had been organized and sorted, and my earrings had been hung along with my clothes that were now hanging neatly in my closet. I began to lean to the shelves on my closet wall and rely on them to hold me up right for I couldn’t any longer. I felt my knees go weak and my body begin to shake as if I was having a seizure. I could feel myself give into the past, into my depression once again. I was falling into that dark place and wouldn’t let myself stop. I sat on the floor of my closet falling back into a pile of pillows. “Would you have done anything different?” “No.” I gulped in reply. “You wouldn’t? why not?” I hated that tone of disappointment in her voice. “I… I don’t know what I would do…” I trailed off. I was still huddled in my closet on the floor sobbing, my closet doors closed; it was dark and cold inside my closet. I looked up at the ceiling wishing there was a window. I tuned mom out for a minute trying to pull myself together with no success. “Molly. Who do you hate most right now?” I couldn’t answer her aloud all the answers were drowning my mind and I began to feel guilty, too guilty. Myself I thought. I heard feet on the ground and I squeezed my knees hoping she wouldn’t open the closet doors and reveal how pathetic I was sitting there on the ground like a child tears flowing rapidly. Instead I heard the door open across the room, and she was scurrying down the stairs. I stayed curled up where I felt safe, in the corner of the closet. I sat and contemplated word she said, the guilt built. I slid the glass closet doors open and rose to my feet. I was repeating every reason I hated myself in my head, it was practically screaming at me. I found a black sharpie and all over my mirrors in my room I wrote “I HATE myself.” I made a list fit to why I hate myself and I started at it. My reflection taunted me, it wasn’t pretty. My curls were now lose and a frizzy mess and my eyes were blood shot a crimson red, my face and hands were black from wiping my tears and my makeup leaving behind stains. I turned and walked over to my desk pulling out a razor. The blades were sharp and clean, my skin was pale white and I could see my veins. Ice blue. I took the blades and pulled it across my left wrist. The four lines began to bleed; the ice blue blood in my veins was now red as can be. My pulse raced and my heart pounded. There is something about controlling my own pain after so much of it, it’s calming.  The crisp cheery red blood looked like scarlet against my skin.  I glided back over to the closet mirror and came face to face with myself; I looked into my eyes and saw nothing. I was empty. I fell onto my knees as the tears swelled up in my eyes again I pursed my lips together trying to hold them back with no success. One, two, three fell, holding them back was pointless I thought as they began to pour like rain.  I was sitting on my floor crying and I crawled back into my safe hiding place. Where I felt alone, the place no one could attack my feelings I leaned against the threshold of the door and watched the blood glide down my wrist onto my hand. I sat there that night blade in one hand tissue in the other; I was still shaking and crying. I sat there for hours watching the blood flow and feeling my face grow hot. Trying to pull myself together enough to breath for the slightest moment, with no success. Today I have the four scars of that very night to show for my “Un” diagnosed depression. 
That’s how I remember it.

Who i know.


The kitchen is empty and the music is blaring. It's not just any song it's "Fix you" by Coldplay. The song takes me back to when my sister was diagnosed with cancer and I was proclaimed her bone marrow donor. The song talks about when you get something you want but don't need, and tears running down your face when you lose something you can't replace. A sudden thump occurs in the kitchen that was empty just minutes ago. I walk into the dining room and gaze into the kitchen to find my sister leaping, turning, and dancing. She has been choreographing a dance to this song ever since she was diagnosed. Her dancing brings out her personality and emotions in every way possible. When i watch her facial expressions and her body language as she dances i can read her.  A sudden mood fills the house when the song starts to repeat "Tears stream down your face" and ends with "Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to FIX YOU." I feel her smile and i realize she was dancing for me, because I fixed her.