Burnce.

"Poetry is like any language distilled"

"Every experience that has effected you deeply is inspiration."

-Allan Burnce.

I don't know why but the little things you say in class inspire me :)

Peacock Obsession#2

Peacock

Peacock Obsession :D

I could go on forever <3

Nanny Update

Nannying is still something I want to do SO BAD, but the family with Aaron and Watts isn't going to work out for many reasons. I am still looking into nannying but it won't be for that specific family. At the moment I have been talking to three families but I am interested in one mainly. In Georgia! The job sounds lovely along with the young couple, and baby to come! 

Wish me luck!  :)

:

Inspiration

"Every experience that has effected toy deeply is inspiration."

-Allan Burnce.

I believe my best friend has inspired me the most in life. She is the one person I have complete confidence in for everything. She is a positive, outgoing, and a trust worthy person. She has inspired me to do so much and believe without worrying, to live with no fear, and be me with no care in the world. Shayla 

Rose Sevigny, I can truly consider her the one thing and person who keeps me positive and alive in life.

Fancy Love

Fancy Love

There is nothing perfect or anywhere near it about our love.

Not in anyones eyes but my own. 

But in my eyes we are every bit of perfect. 

Our relationship is a dream come true, and a fairytale come to life. You are the beat of my heart and the breath to my day. 

My Love, you are my constant thought and smile, my eyes see this clearer then any others.

London/ Nanny

So my latest excitement in life is this wonderful idea my mother had. She had read an article in the college paper and it was about a girl who got involved with a nanny program and went to nanny in the UK. So I began to look into it early last week and all within this time it has become a reality for me. I found a family that I love so far and they seem to fancy me as well. My current plan is to go nanny these two boys Aaron and Watts. Aaron is age 5 and a doll. Watts is age three and is a sweet little man as well. I have been e-mailing the parents and everything seems to fit my idea of how this might work out. I'm so completely excited, but at the same time I am so scared. I'm scared to leave the love of my life Ricky, and my best friend Shayla Rose. I know they wont leave but they are the happiest people in my life, the people that make my world go round. I can't imagine a year without them nor my family. Although I am excited beyond belief, I will be learning so much about a different culture, like driving on the left side of the road, and I will be meeting so many new people. I can't wait to graduate and find my way to London. My next year brings so much!

Fading Smiles

Fading smiles

To the smiles in the world that fail to be revealed. Why are you hiding? Is it lack of happiness or beauty? Why are you to be hidden when you only reveal happiness and light something this world is in lack of? Why hide the smiles that take me miles, and miles away from world, that distract me from the hate and brokenness of this earth. The upside down from that might as well turn this world around and make it positive. People these daze they loose their gaze, and hope for their futures, by as much as losing their smiles. The smiles are lost because of what? Because of depression the world brings to the surface these days or the problems and struggles families are facing. A smile can create so much that we don’t let it, let us give our smiles the chance to bring miles of happiness to our faces that take all of our disgraces and hide them away. From reality and shame, let a smile brighten your day like the sunshine on a sun shiny day.

GSA

So there is this girl Odessa at my school she is a Sophomore and the most beautiful thing on earth. She is literally stunning and has the heart of an Angel. Well yesterday she posted her Facebook status to be "Why is it that Americans are more comfortable with men holding guns than men holding hands?" it turned into this HUGE argument on a facebook post because one guy said "whoever came up with two men and two women being able to be together should be electricuted or hung." or something of that content. It turns out Odessa is Bisexual and no one knew. Then that kid went on to tell her being Gay was wrong and God hates her, all sorts of cruel and unusual horrid things. I saw so many things on that post that were hurtful towards LGBQQT's and then I saw so many people in our school come together to defend her and support her. It was amazing and terrible all at once.


To be continued....

True Love

I've realized today love is not shown by the amount of money you spend, it does not depended on if the person spends every moment of the day with you or not. Love is patient and kind, it speaks truth and tells all. Love is forever, until you are old and wrinkly. Love is not by anything rather then what is in your heart and you know to be true. You don't need others to approve of your love for one another, nor do you need to impress anyone else in the world. Once you find the one. You know

Free Write/Hope

Hope

What do I have hope in these days? I hope I pass school with good grades, I hope I don't fail math, I hope tonight I can make plans and my parents let me do them. But we don't find the depth in it. I know I myself no longer find hope in the big things. I don't hope for something bigger than I can imagine, something life changing. I hope someday to make a change I don't mind if it's small or  big, if it's a change that affects only me of that affects the whole world. I hope there are bigger things out there in the world, more diversity, love, beauty, happiness, dreams, and Hope! What dos the world even have hope in anymore? Peace on Earth? No more war or terrorism? I realize I hope for things, such as I hope there is a future for everyone I know. Something bigger and better for them, something more then what they are willing to settle for. I hope my sisters cancer never comes back.

 I hope happey endings to exist.

I hope someday I can help my parents as much as they have helped me.

I hope to find something, and deeper to hope and dream for.

Hope, it's a beautiful word, but what do we see it as anymore?

Is it something not only I but the world has lost?

To the Hill

outside my house

that seemed to be a

mountain when I was five

that seemed impossible

to ride my bike up

or roller skate up

the hill that I had 

wagon races down.

to the mountain

that is now

just a hill.

To my 13th Year

the year of 8th grade

when public school was still exciting to me

 while I still had friends in my grade

when big lockers where exciting and 

everyone decorated their own.

When the class of 2011 was

the "Top Dogs"

While getting a cell phone 

and wearing Hollister

was popular and "Stylish"

The year I met Taylor Swift

when you were a rebel for 

talking in class and when 

everything was just beginning 

to become 

Complicated.

To the Stars

*To the Stars

in the sky that sparkle and * twinkle 

the thoughts that cross my mind*

when *I gaze into your shine

Because of the people 

who have passes* thats how

 I see you

the* stars in the sky

 are the ones who are

 now gone

You are my *grandpa

and brother

Ashley Roth and Ester

your* gaze 

serves as protection and love*

*from those lost.

December 14, 2010

OLD
Emotion: Depressed.
Today my mom confronted me about this blog and a post that was pretty depressing. A piece called "Fragile and Frail" it was something I wrote in creative writing for a This is how I remember it paper. My paper was about a fight my mom and I had and how it sent me back into depression I've been fighting my whole life. How that night I gave into my depression and how an hour or so after the argument I had found slits on my left wrist for proof. I guess I never really thought she would find my blog because I never really told anyone but my Gram and Ricky. I knew my Gram would never tell because she is my trusty. So my mom is worried now because I went into relapse and cut after four years of "remission." I hope she doesn't ever try to talk to me about it. I know I will just start crying and feel guilty. I'm tired of crying and acting like a pathetic child. I got sent to the counselors office today and I freaked out because I thought my mom called and told someone. I Wonder if parents ever become less nosy? I doubt it, at least with my parents. I wonder if I went to counseling if they would re diagnose me with a stronger depression since I've taken more action now a days then I did back in Middle school.
I wonder how many people would freak out because i'm still suicidal. The middle school had a fit when they found out because I'm really good at hiding it, i'm such a fake. Depression is such an odd emotion, I wonder what the direct definition is? Is it a mixture of sadness to the point of death? Does suicidal even fit in that topic?


Depression: An illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts, that affects the way a person eats and sleeps, the way one feels about oneself, and the way one thinks about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be wished away. People with a depressive disease cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people with depression.

Baby Baby. 1-12-11

Baby Baby, the song takes me back to dancing in the kitchen at the age of two, to any day that song has played since then. My mom hollers at my every time that song plays. We dance around the kitchen and sing the lyrics. I know every word. The tune is totally 90's, and i love it. I kind of want to cry listening to it. Thinking I grew up so fast. I left those fun times behind. Growing up leaving behind mommy and me time.
"Baby i'm so glad your mine!"

I love you Momma <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVMQclI41D4

Whats In my Journal.

Journal.

A bucket list of goals and dreams.

my future plans with Ricky

My future plans for life.

A list containing rules for parenting my future children.

A picture of Us <3

Quotes I love.

A quick write of my feelings.

I ideas for my New Years Revolutions.

How i felt on December 22, 2010.

Lyrics to my favorite Carrie Underwood song,

Lessons Learned.

A scrappy, ripped square of gray paper with a quote on it out of my planner.

Pink, purple, and green stickers.

A green ribbon that marks my pages.

My life.

My emotions.

Me.